


self destruct just to feel.

by miny3rd



Series: andreil week 2018 [1]
Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Andreil Week 2018, Andrew's Point of View, Excessive use of italics, M/M, Mythology References, brief mention of non-con, icarus imagery, this focuses more on feelings rather plot, you could call it a study of andrew's mind
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-02
Updated: 2018-07-02
Packaged: 2019-06-01 05:39:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,080
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15136340
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/miny3rd/pseuds/miny3rd
Summary: ForAndreil Week 2018, day onePrompt: mythologyAndrew’s perspective of his and Neil’s kisses, as well as the “thank you, you were amazing” scene, with a sprinkle of Icarus imagery."Andrew's wings, built upon months of promises and truths, wax and feathers, melted and burned. The earth was being pulled towards him with immense speed, and nothing, not even the nights spent twenty stories off the ground, when his heart crashed against his ribs, could prepare him for the plunge."





	self destruct just to feel.

**Author's Note:**

> hello! this isn't my first _all for the game_ work, but it's been a VERY long time since i wrote the last one, or anything at all for that matter, so i thought this week would be a good way for me to get some practice in. i hope you all enjoy! feel free to comment on any grammar or spelling errors.
> 
> this work is heavily inspired by EDEN's song, _icarus_. you may find some variations of quotes scattered throughout.
> 
> disclaimer: this work also contains quotes from the _the king's men_ , so all credit goes to nora for those!

“I guess I don't know  
How to live with a good thing  
And not break it into nothing  
Self destruct just to feel, or so it goes”  
\- _icarus_ , by EDEN

Andrew’s world spiraled when Neil Josten walked into his life, full of secrets and stories. Repressed feelings of attraction came to light, quickly replaced with hatred and anger. Andrew found clarity in familiar emotions. Clarity rarely existed in his medicated state, when his head was full of clouds and feathers. 

_It’s just the drugs_ , he told himself, until the moment they were flushed from his body. 

_“You are a pipe dream.”_

While sober, the substantial emotion was fear. There was the constant fear of heights, accompanied by an ever growing fear of _something_ , whatever it was, happening between him and Neil. Andrew didn’t expect this to be so prolonged. Sobriety was intended to be the means to an end, but Neil continued to surprise him. 

_How bothersome_ , he often found himself thinking.

Andrew fell into a deadly dance with denial and acceptance. He would push Neil away, just to drag him back in whenever he pleased. He toyed with Neil’s oblivious nature until Neil finally, _finally_ , understood. 

_“You like me.”_

_“I hate you.”_

The loss of control is what scared him the most. The kiss on the roof, when Andrew finally scratched the itch, finally fueled the fire, without Neil’s consent. It was selfish, and Andrew felt as though he sprouted wings and hastily flew towards the sun. A sun with chilled eyes and hair the color of autumn, ever so irritatingly alluring. 

Realization hit, and Andrew forced himself to recoil before he burned.

_“Tell me no.”_

_“I won’t be like them.”_

The second kiss was easier. As long as the attraction was surface level, he had no fear of attachment. As long as Neil gave a truthful “yes”, Andrew could play this game for a while longer. A deal was the only thing tying them together, and that meant safety. That meant control. His feet stayed firmly planted on the ground. 

_“There is no ‘this’. This is nothing.”_

After every kiss, every encounter, it became harder to ignore the urge for _more, more, more_. Normalcy slipped it's way into the moments Andrew shared with Neil. When Neil offered the truth, Andrew offered promises, but when Neil offered his body, Andrew fell short. He wondered if he was allowing himself too much, if he was taking more than he could give. 

He hid behind percentages and heated remarks. It made him feel weak, further fueling his irritation. His life became a cycle of feel, deny, despise, repeat. 

_“Nine percent of the time I don't want to kill you. I always hate you.”_

Andrew couldn’t live with a good thing without breaking it into nothing, it seemed.

As time passed, the secrets they shared slowly tied their lives together. Truths kept in the dark for years were voiced, and the feeling of trust was fortified. The weak bond of attraction turned into something that Andrew never expected he would have. Someone that wanted to fight for him, who understood his need for consent, who took anything Andrew was willing to give, even if Andrew gave nothing at all.

The heat of it was all encompassing, kissing his skin and warming him to the bone. The solace he felt inspired fear deep within him. It made Andrew's hands shake, his head spin. He doesn’t rely on others. He doesn’t let people get under his skin like this.

What was he doing? 

_Dangerous, so dangerous_ , Andrew thought.

And he was right. The moment Wymack returned from the trashed stadium with Neil's bag and racquet, Andrew knew he flew too high, too close to the sun, and he couldn't escape the fall.

Andrew's wings, built upon months of promises and truths, wax and feathers, melted and burned. The earth was being pulled towards him with immense speed, and nothing, not even the nights spent twenty stories off the ground, when his heart crashed against his ribs, could prepare him for the plunge. 

Neil was right there, right in front of the man who promised to protect him, and he chose to throw it all away. His new relationships, his new experiences, his passion. His life. 

_“Thank you, you were amazing.”_

Andrew thought that he’d feel better now, somehow, with the source of his inner turmoil gone. Although, not to his surprise, he cared too much to let Neil lose it all. In a span of a few months, Andrew went from forcing himself to be detached, believing that Neil’s death would be a minor inconvenience, to fighting in hopes of bringing Neil back alive. 

The tight feeling in his chest stayed throughout his time in the hospital, while he choked answers out of Kevin, when he was questioned by the FBI, as he was getting handcuffed to Wymack. It suffocated him up until the moment he saw Neil in person, alive and breathing.

After days of falling, Andrew never hit the ground. The ocean caught him, extinguishing his wings and washing him up on a sandy shore. Despite the chill of the water, his skin still seared with heat. As long as the sun was shining, he would feel the warmth. 

_“I’m sorry.”_

And, once again, Andrew replaced the tender emotions with seething anger. His fist shook as he tried to refrain from punching the absolute, raw stupidity out of Neil, from punching the feeling of relief out of himself, from punching Agent Browning’s irritating mouth. 

Neil’s warm, bandaged hands on Andrew’s face made him settle. He forced himself to calm down. Browning’s patience was running thin, and Andrew knew that his compliance was a prominent factor in getting Neil back. However, compliance did not mean kindness, and Andrew continued to bark at anyone who interrupted his and Neil’s conversation.

_“If you tell me to leave, I’ll go.”_

_"I told Neil to stay. Leave Nathaniel buried in Baltimore with his father.”_

When things calmed down, Andrew once again felt the familiar itch that accompanied Neil’s presence.  
He knew he would deny it until the day he died, but to not indulge it would be lying to himself. He fell hard, and he was sure that once his wings healed, he would chase the heat again and again. As many times as he allowed himself. As many times as Neil allowed him. 

With flying came heights, with heights came fear, and with fear came feeling.

**Author's Note:**

> if you enjoyed, feel free to leave a kudos! i'm also on tumblr @miny3rd, where i will be posting this work and any others i may write for andreil week. thank you for reading!


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